M.I.A

I was totally fucked up for the past 2 weeks and it's no excuse to
make my friends wait.
there was trouble in paradise and uncertainty with my health. I am
not yet done crying so zip it! don't ask me!

But what health are we talking about here? You all know I bench press
and attend group exercises at the gym. So what the hell is this
hullaballoo over health?

fuckit! I am talking about my HIV status.

Yes, HIV STATUS.

I had my test last Monday(11/03) and it was one of the most nerve
wracking experience to date. The wait alone was a bitch. They told me
to wait out until today(11/07) for my results to arrive. Good thing
they called me last Wednesday saying that it's already out.

So I came by to pick it up. I actually drove like a mad man, racing
towards my death and meet the crypt keeper. On the way to the
hospital, my heart was pounding like crazy. As if it was drag racing
side by side with my vehicle. Will I die of a heart attack and not
know my HIV status? or die of a car crash right on the next traffic
light? It was really surreal.

She handed me this small white envelope. I said to the nurse, go open
it for me. Im not touching it.
Seeing her tear open the envelope was sensory overload. Seconds were
ticking slowly. My vision were blurred.
The nurse asked me of my initials and birthday. It took me a long
time before I can even speak. She looked at me again, waiting for me
to answer.

initials: XXX
birthdate: 6/26

Then she showed me this neatly typed-out 8 letter word on a piece of
paper.

N E G A T I V E

Man! I started sobbing like a little girl. There was waterworks all
over. i didn't care if I was crying along the hallway where people
can have another feature presentation apart from what was showing on
the telly. I think it was teledrama extravaganza in the afternoon. So
go figure.

The nurse gave me a hug and said, let's go back to my office.

Once inside the nurse's office, I got my bearing back. Feeling way
much better.
I saw a very familiar face - a true Malate habitue in the early 90s.
She is poz and doing her volunteer work in the same hospital.
Naloka sya seeing me there. We played a little catch-up. To my
surprise, another Malate personality was there recently working as a
physician.

The world is really small.

I told them that I am interested in doing some volunteer work. Maybe,
1x a week is okay. They were very happy to hear that. I can probably
do peer counseling to individuals who have no one to talk to. Lend a
hand if they need help - or to squeeze when they feel the pain of
knowing they are positive.

I am dead serious about this and I advocate for choice: to LIVE and
to stay SAFE